My name is Carolyn and I am 25 years old. I live with

my boyfriend and 4 children.  I was diagnosed with

Bipolar pretty much as a birthday present on March

31,2000. 

I guess all the trouble started when I went

for an operation in June the previous year for a cyst

removal.  

I became very moody and violent a lot. Now

people that know me can tell you I was always the one

taking the hits from by bipolar brother and never hit

any one.  As time went on, I got worse.  I had become so

bad I tried to get my own boyfriend to call the police

on me for abuse on him but he always refused. 

The night I began to think of killing my self was when I

had my self put into a Respid center for 3 days before

Thanksgiving.  

I came home on Thanksgiving of last year.

I decided that my boyfriend and I would still live

together but as friends.  Believe me, it was very hard

since we had been together since we were 16 yrs. old

but for my own sake and sanity we managed.

At this point in time I had only been diagnosed with

PTSD and Anxiety. The bipolar dx didn't surprise me

since my brother had been diagnosed with it; what

bothered me about it was why now?  Of coarse still no

answer to that yet. 

For medical reasons, I was started

on Paxil up to 30mgs.  It worked for a time but then it

had stopped doing it's job so then I was put on

Neurontin.  Within a week I was in the ER getting meds

to counter act the side effect (motion sickness) which

I never ever want to experience again! The next try

was Lithium up to 1200mg at night. It was tolerable

being sick for a while until they added the Wellbutrin.

That was enough! I had had it! I stopped them both my

self and blood work was done. Now I am on Depakote 

and hoping that it works.

Well I did it. I told my councilor that maybe it is time to start
 
thinking about the hospital trip. I got really out of hand last week 

and my suicidal thinking has been more often then not. I can't
 
believe it has taken me this long to get her to understand just how
 
bad I really am. Amazing when the person who is supposed to be there
 
for you and listen to you really hasn't been listening at all! she
 
said that just a week in the hospital wasn't gonna be enough. I told
 
her I wasn't talking a week! She finally understood what it was I 

have been trying to tell her all along. When I am depressed, I'm not 

only suicidal at times but I become very to extremely violent. Never
 
to the kids thank god! My boyfriend takes the brunt of it all! He 

will even egg me on so to speak until it is out of my system. I fill 

up like a balloon with rage and I burst finally like a balloon with 

no control over what I do. That is way too scary in a house with
 
kids! I don't know if any of you understand or can relate to any of
 
this, but this is my hell I am living in. I am in constant fear of my 

self. Always wondering what the next level of extreme will be. How 

do they expect any one to live like that? My blood work came back. My
 
blood count is still low. So they are still gonna wait before they 

try any other mood stabilizer, but for now it is the Zyprexa and I 

can't go any higher then 2.5mg cause it works like a tranquilizer as 

it is right now. So I am basically walking on very thin ice with my
 
self. One very wrong move and I won't wait any more! every one says
 
oh it takes time. Well time is the one thing this ticking time bomb 

doesn't have! I shouldn't have to live in constant fear of my self! 

You can probably call this post my story about living with this god 

awful disorder. It's taken the real me away and replaced it with this
 
monster that I am now. I feel like the real me has been put into some 

other body with a cage in it so that I can't have any control. 

Welcome to my world! When I don't know who I am any more! 

email carolyn