I am a 25 yr old mother of
three, I just wanted to send you my story in case that it could help
someone else.
I didn't come into this world feeling too wanted to begin with. My
mother was 16 and my natural father didn't even acknowledge my
existence. I was raised by my mother, grandmother and great aunt. My
mom has two sisters and a brother that helped out too and my
step-grandfather. When I was 2 my mom met this guy and married him. I
was led to believe my whole life that this man was my "real"
father. When I was 5 they had a son together. Up until I was in my
early teens I remember everything being normal I guess. I think it all
started when I was about 12-13. I would cry in my room for hours for
no reason and scream into my pillow. I would also cut myself with a
utility knife because it made me feel better. My brother is ADHD, so
he was always being bad. I made good grades and was a good kid. I
never caused any trouble or anything and I kind of just faded into the
b! ackground. The only people that I felt really wanted me, that
really "saw" me was my Nana and my Papa. They are my mom's
mom and step-dad. They didn't want my mom to take me when she met my
"dad". I would stay with them any chance that I got. They
made me feel safe and loved. They were my saviours in my darkness.
When I was 14, my
"dad" left us. He took my brother and left 2 weeks before
Christmas. On one occasion when I was visiting him he told me that I
wasn't his natural daughter and he didn't feel like he should have to
pay child support for a child that isn't his. I left immediately and
went crying to my Nana and my mom. They told me the truth about my
real father and it was left at that. At about the same time at school
I was seeing my guidance counselor. I was talking with her about how I
felt and she suggested I see a psychologist/psychiatrist because she
felt that I was manic depressive and co-dependant. I never told my mom
because she was too stressed about money already and we didn't have
any insurance. I went on dealing with it on my own. When I was 17, I
met this guy named David. From the moment I met him it was like we
were on the same brain wave or something. He knew me like no one has
ever known me. And from that day forward ! we have never been apart. A
year after we met we found out that I was pregnant. I had our first
son in March 1994. When he was about 8 months old I decided to try and
find my real father. And I did, well I found his parents. He had
committed suicide 10 years prior. I never heard from them again. In
1997, I had our daughter and the again in 1998 I had our third and
last son. It was after he was born that everything started going down
hill. I had anxiety attacks and I was depressed. It took everything
that I had to get up and take care of the kids everyday. I couldn't
talk to anyone about it, I was scared!
My husband cheated on me,
that killed me. I could have never believed it except it came out of
his mouth. I mean it was a one time thing, not like an affair, if that
is suppose to make it any better. I forgave him and we got on with our
lives together. It still hurts, and I am still suspicious. But around
that time, my moods were starting to get really bad. I would walk into
the room happy and energetic and then five seconds later I was
depressed accusing him of not loving me and screaming at him. Then I
would be happy and laughing again. This just got worse over the next 2
years.
Just about 3 weeks ago, I
woke up one morning and started crying. I had never felt like
this. I felt so overwhelmed and so out of control. I took my son to
his orthopedic doctor's appt. and then I drove my kids to my mom's and
went to the doctors. He talked with me for awhile and the said that he
thinks that I am manic depressive. I told him that I was told that
when I was 15. He put me on Eskalith and Xanax. I am doing better now,
I actually converse with my children now. And I am more normal. They
were scared. One minute I would be outside at 10pm jumping on the
trampoline and then I would be sitting there crying. I am glad that i
finally got some help. I just wish that I could get my husband to
understand what is wrong with me. He is the type that if you can't see
it its not there. Also, I want to be informed on any screenings that
can be done on my children to see of they could be BP. I would really
like to catch it early i! f they are because I don't want them going
through what I have been through. I hope that if this touches one
teenagers life that it has helped. Sometimes parents think the mood
swings are a part of the teen years and hormones and stuff, but
sometimes that aren't and you should really be in tune with your kids.
I am sorry this has been so long but it felt good to get it out!
--- Amy